Missing
by darkclocks
Summary: In prep for SMarch's return: A woman and child go missing - Alex Cabot returns to ask her old friend Olivia Benson for a favor. Will their "history" get in the way? This is an AO / Cabenson story. Expect sparks.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: I don't know what I'm doing with this, but come along for the ride, if you will. One more chapter to Benson Cabot Romance coming and another few of Noah, but I need to work some new stuff into the mix, too. You know me: Angst guaranteed, and usually happy endings...Since I don't know where this is going, I can't promise, but I suspect this will be no different. At least a happy possibility to end._

* * *

 **CHAPTER 1**

Olivia Benson sat at her desk, elbow on the top and her chin resting on her hand as she reviewed videoed victim statements before testifying in an upcoming trial for ADA Stone. SVU had been very busy lately, so Olivia came in early to finish some paperwork so she'd have time to review the statements later in the day.

She had earphones in but heard a familiar heel clicking sound in the squad room. The lieutenant looked up briefly to see if someone came in because no one on her team wore heels. When she didn't see anyone, she went back to what she was doing. A few minutes later, she heard laughter and loud talking outside her office. She knew her squad had a lot of work and trial prep so she couldn't imagine what or who would have pulled them away.

Slightly annoyed, and slightly curious, she got up to see what the ruckus was.

"What's going on?" Olivia said, sounding more like Cragen than she ever wanted to sound.

Before anyone could say anything, Olivia caught sight of blonde hair flipping around and then looked down to see a pair of long legs she'd recognize anywhere.

Alex Cabot stood in Olivia's squad room with a cocky grin on her face.

"Oh, just catching up with your squad before try to convince them to take one of my cases," Alex said, as Olivia gave her a stare wondering why the hell she was here without calling.

"Cabot's got an interesting one, Liv," Rollins said. "Mother and daughter gone missing. Daughter has special needs. Seems like an SVU case."

"Ah, well, I'm the one that needs to be convinced of that, and as I recall, you all have a lot of work to do, don't you?" Olivia said, again catching the Cragen in her tone.

The smiles disappeared as Rollins and Carisi hurried off back to their desks.

"It's good to see you, Alex. Don't be such a stranger," Fin said before heading back to his desk.

Alex nodded and then looked at Liv, still smiling. She followed Liv to her office.

Olivia immediate went back behind her desk, and Alex shut the door before plopping down in the chair in front of the desk, legs crossed at the knee.

"How have things been, Liv?" Alex said.

"Listen, Alex, before you start arguing your case for why SVU needs to handle this and not major crimes, you should know we have more than we can handle right now," Liv said, clearly not interested in whatever Alex was going to say. "We still haven't replaced Dodds and it's been ... well, longer than it should have been. And the brass is constantly on me about the overtime I'm paying my squad."

Alex just watched her, lips pursed, but smiling. Olivia hated that cocky look Alex almost constantly had about her.

"Well, to start, I haven't asked for anything yet," Alex said. "I asked how you were."

Olivia sighed and relaxed a bit. She gave Alex an eye roll before smiling to let her know she wasn't actually annoyed - even if she was a little. "I'm good," Olivia said. "Busy. It's been an interesting year."

"I heard," Alex said. "How's Noah?"

Finally, Olivia gave Alex a genuine smile. "He's good. Growing up too fast and doing really well at his school. He loves it."

"Smart like his mom, I take it," Alex said.

Olivia nodded, taking the compliment. "What about you? How's major crimes?"

"You know how it is. Too much testosterone and a bunch of detectives who can't stand taking orders or criticism from a woman when I send them back because their warrant is garbage," Alex said.

"I'd venture to say that's not just limited to the men in the squad," Olivia said, grinning.

"True. Most detectives are a pain in the ass," Alex said.

"And all ADAs are too cocky for their own good," Olivia said. They both laughed; whatever tension was there initially subsided a bit.

"It is good to see you, Alex," Olivia said. "But, I really am busy. So, go ahead and make your case. I promise to hear you out."

Over the next several minutes, Olivia sat patiently looking through the case file and listened to Alex tell her a harrowing tale of a mother and daughter who went missing before the mother was supposed to testify against the father of her child in a bank robbery case. "Basically we think it was an inside job and dad was the insider," Alex told her. The couple was in the process of divorce and had a nasty case pending in family court, in addition to the criminal case.

"Liv, please," Alex said. "You have no idea the 'brainiacs' I have to work with over there sometimes. Look, this girl is autistic and I suspect she's been abused, if not sexually, definitely physically."

"You have proof of that?" Olivia said, ears perking up.

Alex shook her head. "No, it was just something she said one day, but mom shut her down before I could get more. The detectives over there said there was no history or calls there, but the girl's doctor was a close family friend. I wouldn't be surprised if he weren't on dad's payroll, but there's no money trail."

"And it may be nothing, I mean, other than your kidnapping," Liv said. "How long have they been missing?"

"A week," Alex said.

"A week? Alex, you know the likelihood of finding someone. How do you know she just wasn't afraid and take off on her own?" Alex said.

"That's what my squad wants to believe," Alex said. "But, I just have a feeling."

Olivia was quiet as she thumbed through the file. Alex finally leaned forward, elbows on Olivia's desk.

"Liv, please. I trust you. Regardless of our history..." Alex said quietly and Olivia's eyes met hers for a moment, "... this girl need help, and SVU is the best. Liv, you're the best at this."

Olivia sat the file down and leaned back in her chair, contemplating the difficult decision.

"Look, I know you don't have a lot of time with her missing, but can you give me the night to think it over?" Olivia said. "I mean, your team is still on it, so they'll keep investigating in the meantime, right?"

"Yes," Alex said, leaning back. "Thank you, Liv. I really appreciate this. It's not for me...you know that right?"

"I can't make any promises," Olivia said. "And Al...you know I'd make the same decision whether you asked or not."

"I know, but...Just know I wouldn't be here if I didn't really need you," Alex said.

Olivia nodded. "I'll look over it tonight before I have my squad put too much time into it. Stone will kill me if they're not ready for this trial."

"That's all I can ask for," Alex said. She got up to leave but turned before opening the door. "If you have any questions tonight...you can call if you need to. Do you still have my number?"

Olivia looked at her and cocked her like, giving her a "really?" look.

"Of course, Alex," Olivia said. "We broke up. That doesn't mean I deleted you from my life."

Alex gave her a warm smile and left the squad room.

* * *

 _A/N: This will likely be another "episodic" fic that only runs a handful of chapters. Again, running some ideas in preparation for Cabot's return next month. There is a past romance here, and we'll explore that - with some flashbacks - and the possibility of the future. Let me know what you think._

 _As always, your reviews are appreciated. Love it, hate it, have ideas? Let me know with a comment or on twitter -rileyclocks!_


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: Moving slowly here figuring out the direction. Won't be much "case" stuff here, but we'll get a bit more from them - and expect flashbacks soon. (P.S. I'm TRYING to get the final Benson Cabot Romance story chapter up tonight, but it's 10:30 pm and I have to work tomorrow, so no promises.)_

* * *

 **CHAPTER 2**

Olivia took the file Alex gave her home when she left for the day. After dinner, she gave Noah a bath, read to him and put him to bed before curling up on the couch and opening up the file.

It really wasn't that she was being intentionally difficult with Alex. Her squad was busy and under a lot of scrutiny right now due to the past few months. Of course, their history and Alex's penchant for just showing up when she felt like it may have played some role in Olivia's initial response.

Olivia wasn't even sure why she acted that way. She's the one who ended things with Alex. It was so long ago – over six years. Olivia made the decision she thought was best at the time and moved on. It would have never worked out and Olivia couldn't bear the thought of another person leaving her – not after Elliot.

If anyone was bitter, it should be Alex, Olivia thought. Alex didn't want it and made it known, yet Olivia still walked out. She was the one leaving for once in her life, and it felt good. Not so much good to leave Alex, but being in control of her life felt good. And for her and Alex, it just wasn't the right time; that was always their problem.

It was just a few months, anyway. Somewhere between Elliot leaving and Olivia dating Haden (their timing was off, too), a few dinner dates with Bayard Ellis (even more complicated than Haden or Alex), and before she fell back into a safe relationship with Cassidy.

Of course, for Olivia and Alex, it wasn't their first go at it. They had tried a few times, but Alex always seemed to be leaving – whether by her choice or not. Olivia realized that, eventually, it would come to that again. _Why wouldn't it?_ She remembered thinking. So she ended her relationship with Alex, if for no other reason than to protect herself.

As she continued looking through the case file, Olivia began to see some concerning behavior, signs that would have raised red flags with her squad at least. Maybe Alex wasn't entirely off base in this case, but she still wasn't sure they had the manpower to pull away.

She pulled out her phone and didn't have to scroll far to find Alex's number. She checked the time. 9:05 p.m. It wasn't too late to call.

"Hey, Liv," Alex answered, sounding surprised Olivia called.

"Hi. I hope I didn't interrupt whatever you were doing, but I have some questions," Olivia said. "Do you have a few minutes?"

"Of course," Alex said. "But I'm just finishing up a dinner date and don't have any of my files or notes with me."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't want to intrude on that," Olivia said. "Do you want to call me when you get home or ... I mean, you can call tomorrow if you're busy." Olivia realized if Alex was on a date, her night might not be ending right away.

"Actually, I'm in your neighborhood," Alex said. "Would it be better if I just stopped by?"

"Oh..." Olivia said, caught off guard and looking around to make sure Noah cleaned up his toys. "Yeah, that would be ok."

"Great, I'll see you in about 10 minutes," Alex said then hung up.

Olivia picked up the living room a little bit and put on a pair of sweats rather than the tiny shorts she was wearing. It's not like Alex hadn't seen her apartment in a mess or her in barely anything (or nothing), but Olivia still wanted to make it look a bit more professional. And, Alex had never met Noah, though she did send a nice gift. Olivia, and her life, was a little different these days than the last time Alex was around.

Alex arrived and Olivia welcomed her in, taking her coat. Alex took a moment to look around the apartment. Olivia had moved since the last time Alex had been to her place, but the brunette had mentioned she (and Brian) moved after the whole ordeal with William Lewis. The new place felt more homey and warm than Olivia's old place - a kid often did that, Alex supposed.

"Sit anywhere you want, and I apologize in advance if you sit on a toy train or Cheerios," Olivia said lightheartedly.

"I'm sure I've sat in worse," Alex said. She found a spot on the couch opposite of where it looked like Olivia had been sitting. Alex could tell by the familiar look of the case file spread out and the glass of wine.

"Get you something to drink? I have wine, water, OJ, milk...and apple in a juice box," Olivia said, fridge door open.

"As much I love juice boxes, I think I'll pass and go for a more adult beverage," Alex joked. "Wine is good. Thank you."

Olivia poured Alex a glass and brought the bottle to refill hers.

"I see your taste in wine hasn't changed," Alex said. "One of your favorites if I recall."

"Yep, though I have time for a lot less of it these days," Olivia said. "That's probably a good thing."

There was a silence between them for a moment while Alex took a sip of her wine and Olivia sat back down in her spot. It had been a very long time since they had spent any amount of alone time together. And even though they'd seen each other a few times over the past few years, it was always in the context of work. This was work too, but being inside Olivia's apartment hit Alex a little harder than she remembered. It made her sad, not because the relationship didn't work (though that still did a little), but because they had always been close. They couldn't say that any longer.

"You had questions?" Alex asked, realizing she probably shouldn't take too much of Olivia's time.

"Yeah, there were some things I didn't understand and a few red flags I'm wondering if was followed up on," Olivia said, grabbing the file.

As the two talked the case over for the next half hour, it was like old times. With each passing minute and question, Olivia was more convinced she wouldn't be able to say no to taking the case, even if she had to mostly work it herself. Alex was frustrated with the half-ass detective work she felt like her detectives did, and was happy to see someone else seeing the same things she was seeing.

"So? Can you help?" Alex said, her big blue eyes pleading with Olivia.

Olivia shook her head and smiled. She knew Alex was using her weapons against her, but she also had no intention of saying no.

"Yes, we'll help, but we really are stretched thin," Olivia said. "In fact, it'll likely mostly just be me working it because my squad has a lot on their plates right now. You want Stone to prosecutor or ..."

"No, I want this," Alex said. "No offense to Stone, but I don't have time to catch up someone else - your team just gets it, and he's too new. And to be honest, I just want to nail this bastard, Liv. I know he took them."

Olivia smiled and nodded. She knew how much Alex wanted to get the guy and her determination to fight for victims was one of the things she had loved about her.

"Thank you, Liv," Alex said, instinctively reaching out for Olivia's hand across the couch. Olivia looked down and Alex, realizing what she did, pulled her hand back. "It means a lot to me, but more importantly to the family of this missing mom and daughter."

"Mommy?" A quiet voice came from the bedrooms. Olivia and Alex turned around to see a sleepy Noah standing in the pajamas rubbing his eyes. Olivia got up to walk over to him.

"Noah, honey, you should be sleeping," she said.

"I'm thirsty," he said. "Can I have some juice?"

"How about some water and then right back to bed?" Olivia said. Noah nodded and followed her into the living room. When he saw Alex, he stopped and looked at the stranger in his house.

"Noah, that's Alex," Olivia called out from the kitchen while getting him a cup of water. "She's...an old friend of Mommy's."

Alex stuck out her hand. "It's very nice to meet you, Noah. I've heard a lot about you."

Noah raised his small hand and put it in hers to shake. "Do you work with Mommy?"

"I used to," Alex said. "And your mom is helping me with some work now. I hope we didn't wake you."

Noah shook his head. Olivia returned with his water and he took a big sip.

"Are you a police officer, too?" he asked Alex.

"No, I'm a lawyer," Alex said.

Noah looked up to Olivia. "She goes to court and talks to the judge. Like Rafael and Trevor."

"Oh," Noah said.

"Ok, my boy, off to bed you go," Olivia said, then turned to Alex. "If you'll excuse me for a minute."

As Olivia went to the bedroom with Noah, Alex observed carefully. She thought about how natural Olivia was at motherhood, but of course, that was no surprise; Alex always knew Olivia would make a good mother. She was happy Olivia had Noah.

Even though they didn't discuss it in the short time they dated the last time, Alex had imagined what it would be like to have children with Olivia. The one time Alex mentioned it, Olivia seemed to avoid the topic, saying she figured at this point in her life that ship had sailed. Alex wondered if they'd stayed together if Noah would have come into Olivia's life.

A few minutes later, Olivia returned back to her spot on the couch. "I'm sorry about that."

"Oh, don't mention it. That's part of being a parent," Alex said, then paused for a minute. "You're a great mom, Liv. I knew you would be."

The compliment seemed to make Olivia uncomfortable. She wasn't sure how to respond to it so she just nodded.

"I'll do some research in the morning, see what I can dig up," Olivia said. "Go ahead and let your squad know we'll take on the case. If their captain has an issue with it, tell him to call me and I'll explain why it's better suited for SVU."

"He won't," Alex said. "He'll probably be happy to have it off his plate and me off his ass."

"Well, I know how that is," Olivia said and then sat in silence for a minute. "Oh, how was your date?"

Olivia wasn't sure why she asked, but they'd spent so much time talking about her and Noah that she felt like didn't know much about what was going on in Alex's life these days.

"Oh...it was your typical blind date," Alex said, a bit awkwardly and surprised Liv asked.

"That bad, huh?" Olivia laughed.

"Yeah. A prosecutor across the river in Jersey. She was far too young, idealistic and full of herself for me," Alex said. "I don't know what my cousin was thinking setting us up."

"Young, idealistic, and full of herself? I'm pretty sure I used to know someone like that," Olivia joked.

"Yeah, well that was before SVU dragged me through the pits of hell," Alex said. "I'm not nearly as young and idealistic anymore."

"But still full of yourself?"

"Well, of course," Alex said. "But at least I can back it up now."

"You backed it up pretty well in SVU, I'd say," Olivia said. "And you look a lot younger than your age."

Alex smiled at the gesture. "Well, we both do, but anyway, this woman was just...I don't know. The entire dinner she just talked about her prosecution rate and really just seemed more interested in padding her stats than justice ... or me, to be honest. Then, she had the nerve to act surprised when I didn't want to continue our date back at her place."

Olivia chuckled and sipped her wine. "Yeah, I'm pretty much over blind dates, too."

"When was your last blind date?" Alex asked curiously.

"A couple months ago Barba asked if I wanted to meet his friend," Olivia said. "I trust Barba, so it didn't seem like a bad idea. And I think he was just tired of seeing me alone after ... well, Tucker. Anyway, it wasn't a terrible date, but I just realized I'm so tired of the dog and pony show. Who knows, he could have been my soul mate, but I just wasn't willing to put in the effort for someone I didn't feel a strong connection with right away."

"So, Tucker...what happened there?" Alex said.

"Time, work...it just...wasn't the right time, hard to see each other and make it work, you know?" Olivia said.

"Yeah...I know," Alex said quietly but trying not to sound bitter. Sensing the conversation was going to a place neither needed it to go to, Alex got up from the couch. "Anyway, I should get out of your hair. I really appreciate your help."

"Anytime," Olivia said. She got up to walk Alex to the door.

"I'll call you tomorrow...to check in on the case?" Alex said, before leaving.

* * *

 _A/N: Oh, to my Cabenson shippers, be sure to head over to my Twitter feed and vote in the SVU Best Ship poll (lots of match-ups, but A/O battling now until tomorrow...need them to advance!) My Twitter name is 'rileyclocks'_

 _As always, your reviews are appreciated. Love it, hate it, have ideas? Let me know with a comment or on twitter -rileyclocks!_


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: You'll get the first of some flashbacks here. Pretty intense one here._

 _(On a side note, if you use Twitter and want to vote in the "Ship challenge" head over to my Twitter account (rileyclocks) and check the pinned post. Cabenson is battling Barson right now and it's getting tighter. If you don't want to, that's cool, too.)_

* * *

 **CHAPTER 3**

Fin, Rollins and Carisi sat around the table in the squad room working their current case. They could see Olivia and Alex huddled down in Olivia's office, head buried in the case file. Liv would occasionally pop out and ask one of them to pull some information.

"What's the deal with those two?" Carisi asked, looking up through the window.

"I don't know," Amanda said. "Cabot was just getting back from Africa or somewhere when I started here. You worked with them a long time, didn't you, Fin?"

"Oh, man, that's a loaded question," Fin said. "I'm not about sharing Liv's business."

"Oh come on, give us something," Amanda said. "The two of them ever date? I kinda got that vibe when I first started."

"I can't confirm or deny that," Fin said, which told the other two detectives what they wanted to know. "But I will say, nobody gets Liv like Alex...and no one knows how to press her buttons like Alex. And vice versa."

"Oh, I'd pay to see that," Carisi said.

Fin shook his head. "No, you wouldn't. Trust me. No one wants to see that."

The three of them glanced back over to Olivia's office then promptly got back to work.

"Benson in her office?"

The squad looked up and saw Chief Dodds looking like he was on a mission.

"Yeah, but she's -" Fin said.

"Thanks," Dodds said, cutting Fin off. He went straight to Olivia's door, looked inside, then proceeded in without so much as knocking.

"Chief?" Olivia said. "What can I do for you?"

"Well, for starters you can tell me why SVU is taking on a major crimes case? Don't you have enough work as it is?" he said.

"Ah..." Olivia opened her mouth to speak, but Alex jumped in.

"SVU is taking it because I asked," Alex said.

"And what gives you the authority to tell my people what to do?" he said.

"It's not what, it's who. And that is the DA," Alex said. "This is an SVU case and Liv and I proved that today."

"SVU has enough on their plate. I'm sure major crimes can hand a little possible child abuse investigation. Besides, I hear you just got a runaway witness," Dodds said.

"Chief, I looked at the file before I agreed to help Cabot out," Olivia said. "It's not just child abuse. We're pretty sure we can show there was sexual abuse and there is no way this woman ran away."

Dodds let out a breath while shifting his eyes between Olivia and Alex, who was now standing facing him.

"My squad is still working our caseload, they're getting work done, and most of the burden is on me," Olivia said.

"Fine," he said. "Just make sure everyone is ready for the Matthews trial, and if something else comes up, I need all your focus on it."

"And you'll have it," Olivia said.

"I have to get going," Alex said. "Court. Liv, let me know what you found out. I have one of my investigator following up on what we did earlier. They can handle that much."

Olivia nodded.

"I'll walk out with you, Ms. Cabot," Dodds said.

Alex glanced back at Olivia and gave her a look that told the brunette she was rolling her eyes, even if they didn't move. Alex walked out and left with Dodds.

"You know, Benson has had a lot of drama in her life lately," Dodds said as they got on the elevator.

"I'm aware of what happened to Noah," Alex said. "And I know about Barba."

"Don't forget Cassidy," Dodds said.

Alex rolled her eyes at that one. She hadn't forgotten. Everyone heard. She just didn't like him - mostly because Olivia seemed to try harder with him after breaking up with Alex than she had in their relationship.

"Why don't you get to your point, Chief," Alex said in an icy tone.

"I"m just saying, SVU is finally getting some stability back," he said. "Against my better judgment, they're all still here. I just don't want you coming in here and adding chaos for Benson."

"And why would I do that?" Alex said.

"Come on, Cabot," Dodds said. "Everyone knows the two of you used to sleep together."

Alex clenched her jaw. It was certainly more than that to her.

"I don't plan on talking about my personal life with you," she said. "But what are you getting at? Are you concerned for her? Afraid of all my drama, because you know me, that's what I'm known for." Sarcasm was dripping off her one.

"Well, yes, I'm concerned for her, but more importantly, it's my job to make sure SVU looks good," Dodds said. "When the lieutenant has an ex-lover in and out of her life every few months, it has the potential to bring drama."

"OR maybe Liv is just good at maintaining friendships with former flames," Alex said. "Either way, this isn't about Liv or making SVU look good. We both know it's just about making you look good. Trust me, you'd never find anyone better at that job than Olivia Benson, or at making you look good."

The elevator stopped at Alex's floor and she stepped off, just glaring back at Dodds and walking away without saying anything.

#

Alex laid in bed that night, thoughts going back and forth between the case and her interaction with Dodds. She hadn't exactly gotten the DA's approval before approaching SVU, but he also didn't oppose it when she told him. She also knew Jack would back her up, even if he chewed her out privately later.

She was mostly annoyed by the insinuation of her bringing drama to Liv's life - and maybe a little annoyed by the "sleeping together" and "ex-lovers" comments.

They were sleeping together, but that wasn't what it was - at least for her. She wondered if that's what other people thought and if that's what Olivia saw it as. Sure, it could have been said in the very early days, but it grew to be much more than that. Alex always thought, had she not been shot and had to go into Witness Protection, that they could have lasted.

After that, they did have trouble with timing, but their relationship was deeper than most. It certainly wasn't just sex. When they last dated, Alex was sure they had a real chance and was stunned when Olivia broke up with her, seemingly about of nowhere. Alex had begun to plan her life around Olivia.

She thought back to that night.

" _Liv, why are you doing this?" Alex said, pleading with her._

" _I'm not doing anything, Alex. I'm just telling you how I feel. This...isn't working for me, for us," Olivia said, barely looking at Alex as she said it._

" _It was working for me," Alex snapped back. She was angry. She couldn't believe what was happening._

" _And it's not for me," Olivia spewed back. "Look, it's just not the right time. And I don't owe you any explanation."_

 _Alex replied with sarcasm. "Yeah, why would you explain to your girlfriend why you're breaking up with her?"_

" _Jesus, you're acting like any of this is new for us," Olivia said, frustrated. "We both knew this was never going to work. It never has before, why would it now?"_

" _Why?" Alex said, again not believing the words Olivia was saying. Everything had been fine that morning, she thought. They even made love before work. "Are you serious?"_

" _I'm sorry, Alex," Olivia said, her voice tired._

" _Yeah, me too," Alex spat. "But you know what, you keep pushing everyone who loves you away, ok? I mean, it's worked out well for you so far, you should just keep doing it." She revealed a bit more about her feelings for Liv than she intended with that statement._

" _Yeah, well, at least I don't leave every two years," Olivia snapped back._

 _Alex gave a mad laugh and shook her head. "You know what, you're right. This isn't working, and with your attitude, it was never going to work."_

 _She grabbed her purse and jacket and stormed toward the door, stopping only to dig Olivia's key out._

" _It doesn't have to be like this, Alex, with you all angry," Olivia said, following her._

" _Oh, I'm not angry, I'm just over it," Alex said, shoving Olivia's apartment key against into her hand. "Have a nice life, O-livia."_

 _Alex turned and left, slamming the door behind her on the way out. Olivia closed her eyes, tilted her head back and let out a deep breath._

When Alex thought back to that night, she regretted nearly everything about how she responded. She truly was blindsided, but mostly hurt. She went home that night and cried the rest of the night and most of the next evening, too. She always wondered if she should have fought harder for Olivia, to have come back around when they calmed down and talked to her about what wasn't working.

She should have told her how she really felt.

But...Olivia wasn't blameless. Alex knew she hadn't been wrong about Olivia pushing her away. She had just hoped that Olivia was beyond that, that she cared enough to fight for them. Ultimately, she figured maybe she imagined it.

Maybe Olivia didn't feel as strongly as she did - or that she couldn't because she'd been hurt too much in the past by Alex.

Of course, none of it mattered now. It was so long ago. They had gotten past it. It was all water under the bridge at this point.

 _Or was it?_

#

Just after midnight, Olivia woke up to a ringing phone.

"Benson," she said, sleepily.

"Liv, I got something you're gonna wanna see."

* * *

 _As always, your reviews are appreciated. Love it, hate it, have ideas? Let me know with a comment or on twitter -rileyclocks!_


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N: We delve a bit into the case here (with a surprise or two)...but for the most part, I'm not doing a deep dive into it. But you're really gonna like the end of this one. :-)_

 _Also, I hate to keep asking (if you're reading this in real-time March 21ish, 2018) but Cabenson made it to the final round in the SVU March Madness poll, facing Barisi. It's been basically tied up, so if you have a Twitter and want to go vote in the simple twitter poll, head over to my account -rileyclocks. You don't have to do anything other than vote. That simple. Or don't. Just putting it out there :-)_

* * *

 **CHAPTER 4**

Just after midnight, Olivia woke up to a ringing phone.

"Benson," she said, sleepily.

"Liv, I got something you're gonna wanna see."

Olivia listened as Rollins told her what she found out about the man - Tom Jackson - Alex suspected of kidnapping his wife and child.

"What were you even...I haven't asked you all to work this case," Olivia said.

"I know, Liv, but I was doing it in my free time," Rollins said. "I got done late tonight and decided to check into something that sounded funny to me. Turns out our perp has some gambling debts. I just made a few calls."

"To former acquaintances, I hope," Liv said, hoping Rollins wasn't picking up her old habits.

"Yes, former," Rollins assured her. "At any rate, I just met up with him, and he gave me some stuff. I'm hesitant to email it just yet, though, and you'll understand why if I can just show it to you."

"Ok...well, let me see if I can get Lucy. Noah is obviously sleeping," Olivia said.

"I can just stop by if you want," Rollins said. "I'm already out and the fewer eyes we have on this, the better, right now."

"Should I call Alex?"

"That depends...do you trust her?" Rollins said. "I mean, this has the potential to go pretty high."

"If there is one thing I know about Alex, it's that she doesn't care how high something goes if it involves getting justice for an innocent victim," Olivia said.

"Then call her," Rollins said. "I'll be there soon, and I'll call in some extra help if you want."

"Amanda, I promised the Chief I'd be the only one primarily working this," Olivia said.

"You think Fin and Carisi haven't already been working it in their free time?" Rollins said.

Olivia laughed softly. "I should have known. Ok, call Fin. Carisi has court tomorrow. We'll use my apartment as home-base on this for now until I see what you have."

Olivia hung up with Rollins and sent a text to Alex.

 _O: U up?_

 _A: Yeah...what's up?_

 _O: Can you come over?_

 _..._

Alex paused for a minute. She started to reply, then deleted it, knowing Olivia would see the dots come up and then go away. She had to laugh a little. Under other circumstances, she'd wonder if this wasn't a booty call text. They'd definitely shared a few of those over the years.

 _A: Yeah. I'll be there soon._

 _O: Thanks. I'll explain when you get here._

 _..._

 _O: It's about what we talked about earlier. Not...well...you know._

 _A: I know. :-)_

#

"Jesus," Alex said, staring at the documents Rollins gave her.

The entire SVU squad, except Carisi, was gathered in Olivia's apartment, sitting around the dining table.

"Are you sure about this?" Alex asked Rollins. "I mean, is it from a trustworthy source?"

"Very," Rollins said.

"And you know this person how?" Alex said.

Amanda paused, but then started to answer, however, Liv cut her off.

"Just...trust us, Alex," Olivia said. "If Amanda says it's a good source, it's a good source."

Alex shook her head. "Of course. I wasn't questioning you. I just...this is going to rock the entire city's political landscape."

"Are you ready for that?" Rollins asked.

Alex paused, scanning the list of names again. "Honestly? I don't know anyone is. But all I care about is finding Holly and Rylane, no matter who that means we take down," she said. "The question is...is SVU ready?"

"You know us, Alex," Fin said. "We're always ready to ruffle some feathers." Everyone else nodded in agreement with Fin.

"Ok," Alex said. "But, priority number one has to be finding Holly and Rylane. The rest of this can rain hell down later."

"Got it," Olivia said. "And that's why we're involved. To investigate what happened to Holly and her daughter." She looked at her squad to make sure they understood, then took a deep breath before glancing back at the door to Noah's room.

"I was planning to go check out one of these places tonight," Rollins said. "Maybe someone knows something."

"Tonight? It's after midnight," Alex said.

"Well, they don't exactly operate gambling rooms during normal business hours," Rollin said.

"Amanda, I don't know..." Liv said, clearly worried about putting her into a tempting situation.

"Don't worry about it, Liv," Fin said. "I'll go with her. I have some cash laying around I need to spend anyway."

"Liv, they can't..." Alex started.

"Alex, nothing about this is normal," Olivia said. "I trust Fin and Amanda know what lines not to cross." She stared at them to make sure they really did know where those lines were.

"We know, Liv," Fin said. "Come on, Rollins. If we gotta get up tomorrow, I'd rather get in and out sooner rather than later."

It was nearly 1:30 a.m. when Fin and Amanda left. Olivia went to the kitchen to grab two glasses of water for her and Alex.

Olivia knew Alex was nervous. She knew the hell that would come down on Alex over this. She watched as Alex struggled to get comfortable on the couch, how she bit the inside of her mouth, how she puffed out her cheeks to let out a breath, and how she kept tapping her finger on her thigh, but not making any sound. Olivia knew every one of Alex nervous ticks, and she felt sick thinking about what worries were going through Alex's head at that moment.

The brunette walked back to the living room and handed a glass to Alex.

"Nothing stronger?" Alex said, chuckling.

"I do, but...water seems to have a calming effect, at least on me these days," Olivia said. "I'd say we could both use that about right now."

Alex looked at Olivia and gave her a smile that said she appreciated her thoughtfulness. The words were unspoken that they were both probably in over their heads and in a place they didn't expect this case to go.

"I'm sorry I dragged you into this, Liv," Alex said, sipping her water.

"You didn't drag me into anything, Alex," Olivia said. "And whatever happens, none of this is your fault. This is Tom Jackson's fault - and everyone whose name is on that list."

"Why can't it ever be simple?" Alex said. "I just wanted to find Holly. I just wanted Tom to pay for what he did to her and Rylane. The rest of this...It could..."

"It could end your career if we don't get it right," Olivia said what Alex was afraid to say.

"That's the thing, Liv," Alex said. "I don't even care. I mean, if I start digging where I shouldn't, what are they going to do, fire me? Fine, I'll just go back to ICC. The Congo always needs help."

With that comment, Olivia's body tensed up and she shifted away slightly from Alex. _There she is, always running away._

"Or..." Olivia said. "We can prove the city has a lot of bad actors in the Mayor's and DA's office...and NYPD."

"Or, we can give it to the Feds and wash our hands of it," Alex said. "Look, you have enough coming down on you from Dodds. It's one thing if I get fired, but SVU needs you."

"Well, I think the DA's office needs you," Olivia said.

There was a quiet silence between them for several minutes.

"I should probably get out of your hair," Alex said. "I'm sure you need to get some sleep."

"I probably won't until Fin and Amanda check in with me," Olivia said. "Besides, it's pretty late. Why don't you just crash here? You can take the bed, and I'll stay here on the couch."

"No, Liv..."

"Alex, I insist," Olivia said. "It's too very late. You're stressed. I'd feel much better if you were here at least until daylight."

"Fine, but I'm not taking your bed," Alex said. "I can lay here on the couch until morning."

"Ok, let me get you a pillow and blanket," she said. "I probably have some clothes you can sleep in, too."

Olivia left to her bedroom and left Alex alone, who pulled off her shoes and began to move around some of the couch pillows so she could lay down comfortably.

It felt strange being in Olivia's apartment. It was full of photos of Noah and Olivia, kid toys, homemade drawings Noah made at school. It was such a different side of Olivia than Alex ever remembered her displaying publicly. It was a side Alex knew she had, but Olivia kept it more guarded in the past.

"Hey, here's a pair of shorts and a T-shirt," Olivia said, sitting it on the back of the couch. "I...I think it's one of your old shirts, actually."

"Oh..." Alex said, looking down and seeing a Bon Jovi T-shirt. She remembered the day she bought it. It was when they last dated and Alex saw it at a thrift store. Olivia made fun of her for days for wearing such a dated shirt and because it was far too large for the blonde. That's why it mostly turned into a sleeping shirt - one that Alex must have left at Olivia's place.

"It's a good sleep shirt because it's so big and comfy," Olivia said. "I didn't see the point of just throwing it out. And by the time I realized it was here..." she trailed off.

"I was gone," Alex finished. Olivia nodded, both of them with a sad look.

"So, you slept in it?" Alex asked, smirking.

"A few times," Olivia said, smiling. "Like I said, it's comfortable. But anyway, enough about this old T-shirt, which you can now take home, I guess. Amanda and Fin texted and have someone in the squad room."

"Already?" Alex said.

"Eh, it's...kinda complicated," Olivia said. "At any rate, I'm wondering...well, I think I should be there and ..."

"Noah," Alex said. "I can stay here."

"You sure?" Olivia said. "I mean, there shouldn't be any reason he wakes up."

"I think I can handle it," Alex said. "Go."

"Thanks, Alex," Olivia said, walking over to the door and slipping on her shoes.

"No, Liv, thank you. Remember, you're doing this for me," Alex said. "Watching Noah is the least I can do."

#

"I didn't know Murphy was back in the States," Olivia said, entering the squad room that was empty except for Fin, Rollins and their guest in the interrogation room.

"Yeah, me either," Rollins said, rolling her eyes. "But that explains the card I got for Jesse a few months back with some money in it. I just figured he had a friend send it."

"Anyway," Fin said. "He's deep undercover still, working with the Feds."

"Wasn't he working in a sex ring?" Olivia said.

"Yeah, and it sounds like he's been taking down some targets, but for some reason, his work intertwined with some gambling rooms here," Fin said.

"Please tell me what we have isn't related to sex trafficking," Olivia said, eyes wide.

Fin shook his head. "No, it's separate, but he's willing to help us...and maybe...I know it's not how we normally handle things, but...he may be able to get the Feds to look into some of this stuff..."

Olivia waved him off. "No need to explain. I'm starting to think that's the best bet, but right now, I want to talk to him and see if he can help find our witness."

Rollins, who'd been listening quietly, got up and started to go inside.

"What do you think you're doing?" Olivia said.

"Talking to our witness," Rollins said.

"That ain't happening," Fin said.

Rollins looked to Olivia for back up but got none.

"He's right," she said. "And speaking of Jesse, shouldn't you get home? And take the morning off since you worked all night."

"Ok, fine," Rollins said.

#

Alex fell asleep quickly after Olivia left. The stress over this case had taken a toll on her, but knowing SVU and Olivia were making progress relaxed her a little - despite the shit storm they found.

"Mom? Lucy?"

Alex awoke to Noah's sleepy voice and raised up on the couch to see him wandering her way.

"Hi, Noah," Alex said. "Your mom had to work for a bit. I'm Alex. Remember from last night?"

"I remember," he said. He looked nervous.

"Do you need something?" Alex said. "What can I get you?"

"I had a bad dream," Noah said.

"Oh," Alex said. "Well, do you want me to read you a book?"

"Can I sleep in Mom's bed?" Noah said. "That's where I sleep when I have a bad dream."

"Oh, well, I'm sure that will be fine, Noah," she said.

She got up and walked with him through the apartment to Olivia's bedroom. She watched as he crawled up into the bed and pulled the covers over him. She tucked him in and went to turn out the light to return to the couch.

"Alex?"

"Yes?"

"Will you lay down with me?" Noah asked. "Mommy or Lucy stays with me when I have a bad dream."

Alex froze. She didn't expect that, mostly because she barely knew the young boy. Though, she knew Olivia enough to know she probably didn't let many people around him that she didn't trust. Noah probably picked up on that. It's one of the reasons she was sure Olivia felt so much guilt over Sheila.

"Yeah, I'll come lay down until you fall asleep," Alex said. "Would that be ok?"

Noah nodded.

Alex crawled up in the bed, laying on top of the covers next to Noah under the covers. Within half an hour, Noah and Alex were both asleep.

#

Sometime before dawn Olivia quietly entered the apartment. She noticed the pillow and blanket on the couch, but not Alex. _Maybe she decided a bed would be more comfortable_ , Olivia thought.

When she reached the bedroom door, which was open, she stopped in her tracks when she saw the sight before her.

Noah was asleep, his head against Alex's arm and a small arm draped over her. It was a position she never imagined Alex in, but that seemed perfectly natural at the same time.

A big smile came upon her face as she put a hand over her heart. She stood in the door several more minutes, watching them sleep before returning to the living room and taking a spot for a quick sleep on the couch.

* * *

 _A/N: Hope you enjoyed that. Yes, they're older, more mature. I know you all kind of like the maturity...but don't worry, some flashbacks will be coming and you'll of course get more about their history. I want to wrap the case up kinda quickly so we can focus more on the ladies' journey._

 _Also, if you read the Benson Cabot Romance or are reading The Noah Series - BCR is now done and Noah Series had an update yesterday._

 _As always, your reviews are appreciated. Love it, hate it, have ideas? Let me know with a comment or on twitter -rileyclocks!_


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N: Flashback time! The entire chapter is a flashback from when Alex returns at the beginning of Season 13 in Scorched Earth. Hope you enjoy. It's intense, but worth it (I think)._

* * *

 **CHAPTER 5**

 _September 2011._

 _Alex was livid. Not only was her case falling apart and she getting grief from the higher-ups to plead it out or dismiss the charges against the foreign diplomat, but the one person she thought would help her fight - Olivia - was bailing on her._

 _She called Olivia a number of times since she stormed out of Cutter's office, leaving Olivia with a scowl. She knew the detective was struggling. It's not that she didn't understand the stress Olivia was going through, not knowing if Stabler would come back. But to give up on a victim like that? It was out-of-character._

 _Or maybe it was Alex she gave up on._

 _She and Olivia had always done well to keep their personal stuff out of their ability to work together, but maybe leaving for the Congo, as much as Olivia said she understood, was just too much for them to overcome. Alex never meant to hurt Olivia - it was just something she needed to do to get back to being Alex Cabot._

 _Of course, she probably could have told the detective she was back in the country before showing up in her squad room._

 _After about the 10th call that went straight to voicemail - and knowing Olivia wasn't working a case because Alex checked the squad room - she grabbed her stuff, left the office and headed to the detective's apartment._

 _*Knock*Knock*Knock*_

" _Olivia, I know you are in there," Alex said. "Please open up. I just want to talk."_

 _Silence._

" _Olivia...please."_

 _More silence._

 _Alex was persistent though. She didn't plan on leaving. She would talk to Olivia if it took all night for the woman to open her door. She slid down against the wall and sat, putting her head in her hands as she waited. She didn't know what her plan was other than to continue knocking and calling._

 _Half-an-hour later, Alex heard footsteps coming down the hall. She figured it was yet another of Olivia's neighbors who would give her strange looks as they walked by._

" _Alex?"_

 _Alex looked up to see Olivia looking down at her with a strange look on her face._

" _Hey...you...um, I tried calling and ..." Alex started trying to explain what the hell she was doing._

" _Yeah...I didn't want to be found," Olivia grumbled, reaching into her pockets for keys. "You know, even I get to take away time for myself sometimes."_

 _Alex didn't say anything, but she knew those words were meant to be a dig at her._

" _Why are you here, Alex?" Olivia said, unlocking the door. Alex stood up and straightened out her suit._

" _Can I come in?" Alex asked. She could smell alcohol on Olivia's breath. She'd probably been to the bar._

 _Olivia shrugged and pushed the door open, leaving it open for Alex to follow._

" _I'm going to change," Olivia said, not even looking back at the blonde as she retreated to the bedroom. "Help yourself to anything in the fridge if you want something to drink."_

 _Normally, Alex would decline and just take a seat, but she could use a beer and given the state Olivia was in, she was sure there would be plenty. When she opened the fridge, it confirmed her suspicions. Leftover Chinese food and beer was the only thing in there that didn't look expired._

 _Alex took a drink and opened it before making her way to the living room and taking a seat on the couch._

 _Olivia returned in a pair of sweats and a T-shirt. "Did you get me one?"_

" _No, I didn't know..." Alex trailed off._

" _It's fine," Olivia said. "I probably had enough anyway." She took a seat in the chair safely across from the couch and Alex._

 _Alex bit her lower lip. She certainly wasn't going to say anything to Olivia about her drinking, knowing how touchy of a subject it was._

" _How are you doing, Liv? I mean, I know the whole Elliot thing must be hard right now," Alex said._

" _Why are you here?" Olivia responded with a question. "Can we forgo the formalities and just get to the real reason you're here?"_

" _I'm here because I want to talk to you," Alex said._

" _You want to talk about the case. You want to talk about me not backing you up in front of Cutter today. I know you, Alex," Olivia said._

" _OK," Alex said. "I was...surprised today. I mean, I thought for sure you were with me. SVU is a team."_

" _Yeah, SVU is a team," Olivia said. "A team that's been functioning quite a while pretty well without you."_

 _Alex sighed and took a drink of her beer._

" _Look, I know the only reason you're back and in SVU is because of what happened with Elliot," Olivia said. "What? Cragen call Jack and ask for you so you could babysit me? Keep me content until Elliot comes back?"_

" _Elliot's..." Alex said, but then stopped before saying what everyone at 1PP basically already knew - Elliot wasn't coming back._

" _Elliot's what?" Olivia said._

" _Elliot's...a good cop," Alex said. "It was justified and I'm sure this will be cleared up soon."_

" _I thought lawyers were supposed to be good at lying?" Olivia said, glaring at Alex. Deep down, she knew Elliot wasn't coming back either, even if she wasn't ready to admit it._

" _You know what?" Alex said, finally tired of Olivia's antics. "Let's just call this what it is? You may be upset about Elliot, but it's clear you're still angry at me for leaving. But I was hoping you still gave enough a damn about the victims to do your job and fight for them!"_

" _Oh, that is rich coming from you," Olivia spat. "The woman who's had a sexual molestation victim's mother arrested once!"_

" _She stabbed her husband in front of cops, and I let her go," Alex said. "You know as well as I do this diplomat asshole assaulted Miriam in that hotel room. And no, it's not an ideal case, it's far from it, but what case it? We've gotten convictions with less, and you know it. You're just sulking right now."_

" _Did you come all the way back from the Congo just to yell at me?" Olivia said. "Because if you did, I'm pretty sure you there's a flight back to Kinshasa leaving in the morning. You're pretty good at the whole leaving thing."_

" _Oh. My. God." Alex said. "We're still doing this. Jesus, Liv. You told me I should go. You said you supported my decision. You know how much they needed the work done."_

" _Yeah, well, what was I supposed to say? You didn't even have the balls to tell me yourself," Olivia said. "Oh, and let's not forget the 'I'll visit in just a few months, we'll figure this out' line you pulled."_

" _You know I tried," Alex said._

" _Were you trying when you broke up with me?" Olivia said._

 _Alex stopped, then let out a slow breath, knowing Olivia had a point and she needed to calm down._

" _I'm sorry," Alex said. "I...just wanted you to be able to move on if you wanted to. You spent so much time waiting for me as it was."_

" _Well, thanks for asking my opinion on the matter," Olivia snapped._

 _The two women sat in silence for what seemed like forever. Finally, Olivia got up and went to the kitchen for a glass of water. When she returned, though, she sat down on the couch, opposite of Alex._

" _Liv, I just want to be here for you," Alex said. "But I also believe Miriam, and I know you do, too. I just...I want you to try...I want us to try to get some justice for her."_

 _Olivia rolled her shoulders, trying to relax._

" _You're right," she said, looking up at Alex. "I do believe her, and I do want justice for her. It's just..."_

" _I know, she lied," Alex said. "But let's talk to her again. Fight the problems with the case head-on."_

 _Olivia nodded in agreement._

" _How long will you be in SVU?" Olivia finally said._

" _I don't know," Alex said. "Until they figure out where to put me on a permanent basis."_

" _It would be nice to have you back for a while at least," Olivia acknowledged._

 _Alex nodded and slid a little closer to Olivia. Finally, she got brave enough to reach out and put her hand on top of the detective's._

" _I'm sorry I left, Olivia," Alex said. "I should have, at the very least, talked to you before I decided. Things were just so..."_

" _New again? Complicated?" Olivia looked up and gave the counselor a soft smile._

" _When haven't they been complicated?" Alex said, smiling back._

" _I wouldn't have asked you to stay," Olivia said, looking back down. "I knew you needed to go. It just..." she trailed off._

 _Alex watched Olivia carefully, hanging on her words, fighting back her own tears as she knew Olivia was doing, too._

" _I was hurt," Olivia finally said. "And I missed you."_

 _Alex squeezed Olivia's hand._

" _I...missed you, too," Alex said._

 _Another moment of silence went by, Alex still grasping Olivia's hand tightly._

" _Liv, I..." Alex started to say before she felt Olivia's lips crash against hers._

 _Before they knew it, Alex was in Olivia's embrace, lips pressed together, hands exploring, succumbing to the familiarness that was being together._

 _Alex wasn't sure it was the right thing - especially given Olivia's emotional state - but she knew Olivia needed it. Alex needed it too. She missed Olivia terribly. Her touch. Her kiss. The feel of her hands firmly sliding down her body. The way Olivia's tongue felt in her mouth, on her neck, her breasts...other places._

" _Liv...are you sure?" Alex breathed out when Olivia's mouth moved down her neck._

 _Olivia finally stopped and looked up at Alex._

" _Alex, I'm sure," Olivia said. "I need you. I want you. God, I've missed you so much. Please...just let's have tonight. Tomorrow we'll figure this out."_

 _Alex's blue eyes said everything. She felt everything Olivia felt. She needed Olivia more than she realized. She nodded ever-so-slightly then Olivia pushed her back, taking a familiar spot on top of her on the couch - where they stayed making love until they finally decided to go to bed - and woke up in each other's arms the next morning._

 _Things were right. Things were going to be ok this time._

* * *

 _As always, your reviews are appreciated. Love it, hate it, have ideas? Let me know with a comment or on twitter -rileyclocks!_


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N: Inching closer. Moving the case along and getting us slowly toward what you want. Back in present day._

* * *

 **CHAPTER 6**

Present Day.

Olivia woke to the pitter-patter of Noah's feet. She hadn't slept much or well but did get a few hours of shut-eye on the couch. After greeting the sleepy boy, she sent him to his room to pick out some clothes for school that day and made her way to the kitchen.

 _Thank God for auto-timer coffee_ , she thought as the pot of hot beverage was nearly ready by the time she got to the kitchen. After a few drinks, she poured another cup, added sweetener and cream and made her way to her bedroom.

Alex's eyes were barely open when she made it to the threshold of the door. She forgot how beautiful the attorney was first thing in the morning.

"Bad dream?" Olivia asked, smiling at Alex.

"Yeah," Alex said. "You could have kicked me out of the bed when you came home."

"Nonsense," Olivia said. "The two of you looked very cozy."

She made her way over to the bed and took a seat on the edge, handing the coffee to Alex. Alex took it, sat up in bed and took a quick sip.

"Mmmm," the blonde said. "You still remember how I like it."

Olivia cocked her head to the side and shrugged, smiling. "Old habits."

"Get anything helpful last night?" Alex asked after a few more sips of coffee.

"Yeah. Once Carisi is out of court, he and Fin are going to follow up," Olivia said. "I told Amanda to stay home this morning. I - on the other hand - do have to get Noah to school, but please, don't take that to mean you have to hurry. I'll leave a key on the table by the door and you can lock up."

"I need to get to the office too," Alex said. "But I do have an outfit I keep at work as a spare. It would save me from driving uptown if I could shower here and go in."

"Of course," Olivia said. "Thank you for taking care of Noah last night. He has nightmares occasionally; a few more since Sheila, unfortunately."

"Oh, you thought I mean he had the bad dreams?" Alex joked. "Nah, that was me."

"Yeah, I'm sure," Olivia said. "I'm just going to grab some clothes, hop in the shower and get out of here. Again, take your time and I'll check in with you later about what Fin and Carisi find."

#

"We just wanna know if you've seen this woman and girl?" Fin said to an older woman in an apartment building.

It turns out Tom Jackson had a second apartment for some reason, paid for all in cash, a year in advance, according to Murphy. There was no paper trail though, and without probable cause he was keeping Holly and Rylane there, they couldn't get a search warrant. So they were checking with neighbors in hopes that anyone had seen them.

"I'm sorry, I can't help," the woman said. "I haven't seen nobody." She slammed the door in his face and Fin and Carisi were left with no new information from any neighbors.

Back at the squad room, Olivia made sure their other cases had all the attention they needed and that her detectives were doing the same. When Fin and Carisi got back, she was disappointed they came up empty-handed.

"I was thinking...since you all were out all night, I could sit on the place tonight," Carisi said. "I mean, someone has to be checking in or feeding them if they're there."

"Unless they're already..." Rollins trailed off as everyone glared at her. "What? It's been days. We know the odds."

"She's right, but until we have reason to think they are dead, let's keep searching," Olivia said. "Carisi, I'm not going to make you, since none of you all are officially working this case, but -"

"Don't worry about it, boss," he said. "I'm want to help."

#

"So this Murphy guy is..." Alex was trying to get caught up on the activity of the previous night and the day. Olivia shared more than she normally would have about Murphy and his work, but she knew she could trust Alex.

"He was temporarily assigned to SVU for a while," Olivia explained. "He was here during...William Lewis. He...well, I'd trust him with my life." _Because I have._

"Oh."

"Anyway, before that he was undercover," Olivia explained.

"And that's how Rollins knows him?" Alex said. "Because of ... the gambling?"

"Yeah...and he's Jessie's father," Olivia said.

"O..K...um, well, ok, then," Alex said. "That sounds complicated."

"It is, but like I said, we can trust him," Olivia said. "And we have to do everything possible to protect his identity. I shouldn't even be telling you."

"Don't worry," Alex said. "I want nothing to do with outing a confidential informant." Both women had a sad look, thinking about what happened before Alex went into witness protection when a Federal agent was killed, partially because of her pushing.

"Can I get you more wine?" Olivia asked as they were finishing dinner. Alex came over after work to recap.

"Sure," Alex said moving her glass closer to Olivia on the table. "So...motherhood looks good on you."

Olivia smiled, looking into the living room where Noah was drawing at the coffee table. "Well, it's taken its toll on me, but I wouldn't change a second of it."

"I'm glad you're happy, Liv," Alex said. "You deserve it."

Olivia smiled. "So do you, Al."

After several more minutes of chatting about the case and catching up, Olivia's phone rang.

"Benson...Really?" she looked over at Alex. "Yes, yes. Pick him up and do whatever you need to do to get consent to search that apartment..." she glanced at Alex again "...legally...Yes...No...Cabot is here, so if you need a warrant once you get something she'll take care of it...Good work, Carisi."

She hung up the phone. "We're getting somewhere...and Carisi believes they are alive."

#

Over the next several hours, SVU interrogated a man that was seen going into the apartment, which led to a search warrant and the discovery of Holly and Rylane - both holed up in the apartment terrified for many days.

Lucy came to watch Noah and Olivia and Alex met the rest of the team at the squad room.

While Rollins and Fin were talking to Tom Jackson, Olivia and Alex spent time talking to Holly, trying to get any information they could get out of her to implicate Tom. They still hadn't connected the kidnapping to Tom, nor the money laundering and gambling house debts to the higher-ups.

While talking to Holly, Olivia and Alex heard a pound on the window, looking up only to see Chief Dodds. Olivia got up to open the door. Dodds didn't look happy.

"We need to talk...now," he said to Olivia. "You, too, Cabot."

They excused themselves and followed Dodds to Olivia's office. He closed the blinds and looked at them both for a minute.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" he said.

"We're interviewing my witness to find out who took her," Alex said, holding her ground.

"Yes, your witness. A case that should have never been SVU's," he said. "Do you have any idea of the Pandora's box you've opened?"

"It seems that you know about it," Alex said. "Is that why you tried to kill it to start?"

"Excuse me? Just what are you accusing me of, Ms. Cabot?" Dodds said.

"You tell me," Alex snapped back.

"Ok, listen..." Olivia said, trying to calm the situation. "Chief, right now all we want to do is find out what happened to Holly. Ok? Just trust me."

"Oh, I trust you," he said. "It's this one I don't trust. What, you trying to make an early run for DA by making a name for yourself?"

"I've already made a name for myself and you're a good one to talk," Alex yelled.

"Please, both of you," Olivia said. "Can we just be adults here? I think we all want the same thing."

"We do and I just want to make sure the integrity of this unit is protected," he said. "Unlike your girlfriend here, I'm not looking for political gain."

"Excuse me? Political gain? Maybe you're trying to kill something for your friends in the Mayor's office who'll make you the next commissioner," Alex spat back.

"Ok, that's enough," Olivia said. "Both of you."

Dodds took a breath. "Can we speak alone, Benson?"

Olivia glanced at Alex, who glared at Dodds and left the office, slamming the door in the process.

"Listen," Dodds said.

"No wait," Olivia said. "Before you say whatever you want to say, I want you to know Cabot doesn't deserve that treatment. She only wants to help Holly. That's the only reason she was here. Oh...and she's not my girlfriend."

Dodds sat down. "It may not seem like it, and I know we've had our differences, but I really am trying to protect you...and yes, maybe myself, too. Liv, you've really opened a can of worms that I may not be able to protect you or SVU from this time. I don't even know any of the details, but based on the phone calls and anonymous letters I've gotten from 'friends' I don't think I want to know everything."

Olivia nodded and sat down as well. "That wasn't our intention."

"I know," he said. "And I'm sorry for calling Cabot your girlfriend...it's just...I was afraid she used your...past relationship to take advantage of the situation for her own gain. She's a pain in the ass over at major crimes from what I understand."

"Well, she is a pain in the ass," Olivia said. "But she's the best ADA I've ever worked with. And trust me, she's not taking advantage of our ... history."

"What's your plan on the rest of this stuff...besides the woman and girl?" Dodds said.

"Actually, I have an idea and you're just going to have to trust me," she said. "You can't ask questions."

Dodds stood up, shaking his head. "Trust you...you sure ask me to do that a lot," he said. "Mike trusted you. So, if for no other reason...I will, too. I just hope to hell you know what you're doing."

Olivia nodded and Dodds left without saying anything else. Alex wandered back in after he was gone.

"Holly and Rylane are gone," she said. "They are wiped so the DA's office is going to put them up in a hotel for a few nights until we can make sure they are safe."

"Good," Olivia said. "Anything from Tom?"

"Not enough to hold him, unfortunately," Alex said. "But, I have my witness, so I can go to trial on the original charges at least until we can connect him."

"I'm sorry about Dodds," Olivia said.

"No, I lost my temper," she said. "I'm sorry. We may have had some words in the elevator the other day."

"He's...a better man than he comes across sometimes," Olivia said. "At least I think so."

"Liv...I wasn't..." Alex trailed off. _I'm not using our history..._ is what she was trying to say.

"I know," Olivia said. "I never thought that. I'd never think it."

Fin knocked on the office door.

"Hey, Liv, the punk from the apartment has been booked in now. Too bad we couldn't hold Jackson," he said. "You tell her about what he said?"

"What who said?"

"Noel," Fin said. "The apartment guy."

Olivia looked at Alex then Fin.

"You gotta tell her, Alex," Fin said. "We ain't going through losing you again."

"Alex..." Olivia said.

"Noel made some vague threats," Alex said, sighing. "But he's in jail and it's probably nothing."

"And Jackson is walking the street," Fin said. "Even if we can't prove he's behind this, we both know he is and there ain't no way we're leaving you alone until he's behind bars."

"I'm fine," Alex said.

"Alex..." Olivia said. "Look, this is something much bigger than all of us...and it may not be Velez, but Fin is right. I'm not leaving you alone. We can get someone to stay outside your place...or you can come home with me. Those are your only options."

Alex was silent for a moment, pondering her options. She was a little scared, but mostly because of what happened to her in the past.

"Fine," she said. "I'd rather stay with you than have a babysitter all night. Can we at least stop at my apartment for some clothes and pajamas?"

"What, you mean your old Bon Jovi shirt isn't good enough," Olivia said, smirking.

"On that note," Fin said, laughing. "You need anything..."

"We'll call," Olivia said.

#

Back at Olivia's place, the two readied for bed.

"I really wish you'd let me take the couch," Olivia said, putting pillows down and taking a seat next to Alex.

"No way. You had it last night," Alex said. "You deserve some sleep. And tomorrow is Saturday so you can sleep in."

"Ha! Sleep in with a 5-year-old?" Olivia said.

"Well, maybe I can make some of my famous pancakes for him and entertain him in the morning while you're sleeping," Alex said.

Olivia smiled. "That sounds nice." She started to get up to leave when Alex reached out for her hand.

"Liv...thank you," Alex said. "For everything."

"You know I'd do anything for you," Olivia said, not letting go of Alex's hand and feeling the sparks between them from the touch.

 _Then why did you leave me?_ Alex wanted to say but didn't.

Their eyes met in a gaze and locked for several long seconds. Olivia smiled again and let go of Alex's hand before returning to the bedroom.

* * *

 _As always, your reviews are appreciated. Love it, hate it, have ideas? Let me know with a comment or on twitter -rileyclocks!_


	7. Chapter 7

_A/N: 7 & 8 are both up now. I split them up because Ch. 8 is a flashback and I didn't want everyone to get confused with present day._

* * *

 **CHAPTER 7**

"Ok, Noah...banana, chocolate chip...or both?"

Alex was starting to make pancakes while Olivia slept. She knew the lieutenant had barely slept that week so she was glad Liv was taking advantage of it. Noah woke up early and Alex successfully convinced him to let his mom sleep.

He climbed up on the breakfast bar and watched as Alex mixed the batter up.

"Both," he said.

"Both it is," Alex said, grabbing the bananas and a bag of chocolate chips she had already dug out from the cupboard. "Chocolate chip is my favorite. Which is your favorite?"

"Chocolate chip," Noah answered, then paused. "But Mommy likes bananas."

"I know," Alex said smiling.

"How do you know?" Noah said, confused.

"Well, I've known your mom a long time," she said. "You know how she told you we were old friends?" Noah nodded yes. "Well, she meant really old."

"How old?" Noah asked.

"I've known your mom for 17 years now," Alex said.

"Woah! That's a long time!" Noah said. He sat thinking again with his 5-year-old brain. "I never saw you before, though."

Alex poured the mixed batter into the skillet and started the first batch of pancakes, considering how to respond.

"Well, that's right. I moved away for a little while and... sometimes adults get busy I guess and forget to visit their friends," Alex said.

"Mom is busy a lot," Noah said. "But she helps people, so it's ok."

"She does help a lot of people," Alex said.

"Where did you move?" Noah asked.

"Huh?" Alex said, before realizing he was still back on her moving away. "Oh, I went to Africa for a few months to live."

"Africa?!" Noah said. "Did you see lions and zebras?"

Alex smiled. "Well, yes, but that was last time I lived there...and it was on a safari, not anywhere close to where I stayed when I was there."

"I would want to see a zebra," he said. "But not a lion. I would be scared."

"Lions are scary," Alex said. "What's your favorite animal? Zebras?"

Noah shook his head. "Yes, and elephants," he said. "I have a stuffed elephant."

"Oh yeah? Does it have a name?" Alex said, continuing to make more pancakes.

"Eddie," Noah said. "I named him after Ed."

"Ed?" Alex said, not making the connection.

"Mommy's boyfriend, or well, he used to be. He gave the elephant to me," Noah said.

 _Oh. Tucker_ , Alex remembered. "I see."

"I miss Ed sometimes," Noah said. "Mom was happy when he was here."

Alex clenched her teeth. What was that feeling? _Jealousy?_ That was ridiculous.

"Oh yeah?" Alex asked, unsure how to respond.

Noah nodded. "She smiled a lot...like when you are here."

Alex smiled at his words, though it did make her sad Liv seemingly gave up happiness...again.

"Your mom does have a beautiful smile," Alex said.

Suddenly, Olivia appeared. "Wow pancakes and flattery this morning," she said, smiling but looking sleepy.

"Mommy, Alex made your favorite...banana pancakes," Noah said.

Olivia walked over to him and kissed him on the head. "That right?" she said looking at Alex.

"Noah said they were your favorite," Alex said with a wink.

"Yeah, I'm sure Noah was the only one who knew that," Olivia said.

"No, Mommy, she knew they were your favorite," Noah said. "Alex said she knew you..." he stopped to think "17 years."

Olivia laughed. "Wow, has it been that long?" she said. "We must be getting old."

"Speak for yourself," Alex teased, putting pancakes on each of their plates.

"What else did Alex tell you?" Olivia asked the boy.

"She saw a lion and a zebra!" he said. "Did you know she lived in Africa?"

And just like that, all the warmth drained from the room and was replaced with sadness and nervousness.

"I did...a couple of times, huh, Alex?" Olivia said.

Alex shared a sad glance with Olivia. "Yep. We talked about that."

"Anyway, Noah, why don't you go wash your hands and Alex and I will get breakfast on the table for us," Olivia said, changing the subject quickly.

Alex brought the plates around to the table. There was a quietness between the two of them, an 'elephant' so to speak in the room.

"Noah just asked why he'd never met me," Alex said quietly, putting the plates down while Liv put out some forks.

"It's ok. I figured," Olivia said. "He's inquisitive."

"Should we ta-"

"Hands are clean!" Noah came back and interrupted Alex's question asking if she and Olivia should talk about the "Africa" thing.

They'd never really cleared the air - either time. Of course, they talked about it when Alex came back the first time, but not much before jumping back in bed together.

And the second time...well, Olivia broke up with Alex...she wasn't sure they needed to talk about it, but Alex could tell it was still a sticking point with Liv, even though she felt blameless in the matter.

#

Saturday evening, after making a few calls and running down to the squad room for a few minutes and returning home, Olivia filled Alex in on her plan for Tom Jackson and the shit that was likely to run down the hill on all of them.

"So, you're going to take Tom to trial," Olivia said. "Even if you get pushback, push forward as much as you can. Murphy is working on getting the Feds in here without blowing his cover. He just needs a few days to make it happen. Ideally, they can make their busts - or at least the first parts of them - when the trial starts so no one with any power throws a kink in that. They have enough to make some arrests...maybe not all yet, but if they get close, no one will stick their neck out for Tom or want to touch him."

Alex nodded taking everything in.

Olivia continued. "And you won't have to destroy your political career."

"Liv, you know I don't care about that...not in the name of injustice," Alex said.

"I know, but...it's just better this way for everyone," Olivia said. "To be honest, it doesn't matter to me either, but SVU really doesn't need another reason for them to break us up. I mean, the short time I was in Community Affairs...well, it was the worst."

Alex laughed a little. "I can imagine that was your worst nightmares."

"You have no idea," Olivia said. "Putting in my papers ran through my mind a few times." She paused for a moment then got serious again. "Anyway, the Feds have more resources than we do and if it's not coming from you, hopefully, it will keep you off their revenge radar."

Alex took a sharp breath in - she knew Olivia meant more than politically. She meant like Velez.

"So, it's business as usual?" Alex said.

"Well, I think you should continue to have some protection until the FBI makes their move and scares off any potential thugs," Liv said. "Whether that's staying here or having protection. It shouldn't be more than a few more days."

"Ok, well, I'll stay here tonight and we can see from there," Alex said. "I feel like I'm disrupting yours and Noah's lives a little."

"Are you kidding?" Olivia said. "Noah loves the company and he's grown quite fond of you the past couple of days."

"He just likes my pancakes," Alex said.

"Well, they are damn good pancakes," Olivia said.

"Hey, so earlier...it seemed like there was some uneasiness between us," Alex said. "Should we talk about...Africa?"

Olivia tensed up and shifted away from Alex on the couch. "I don't ... Alex, that was so long ago. I mean..."

Noah suddenly appeared from his bedroom. "Mommy, you said we could watch a movie tonight," he said. "All three of us."

Alex and Olivia exchanged a glance that said their conversation would have to wait. Olivia was relieved, Alex was not, but they did promise Noah.

"We did, didn't we?" Alex said, swallowing hard and holding back the sad feeling she had from not being able to continue their conversation. "I'll tell you what...if it's ok with your mom, you pick out a movie and I'll make some ice cream sundaes for us."

Noah's eyes lit up and he looked to Olivia. "Can we?" he asked.

Olivia smiled. "You certainly know the way to Noah's heart - Ice cream and pancakes."

"Oh, I'm pretty sure it's the same way to his mom's heart, too," Alex said, before considering what she'd said. Olivia and Alex both blushed and looked away.

* * *

 _As always, your reviews are appreciated. Love it, hate it, have ideas? Let me know with a comment or on twitter -rileyclocks!_


	8. Chapter 8

_A/N:_ _FLASHBACK TIME! (and very Mature scene involved)_

* * *

 **CHAPTER 8**

 _Season 13 - Fall 2011_

" _Mmmm...Alex...you're so good at that," Olivia mumbled. The blonde was under the sheet, on top of her, and had her lips around Liv's nipple, her fingers on the other slowly twisting, pulling and caressing._

 _Alex shifted up. "Oh, I'd say I owe you after last night...and this morning..." her tongue trailed along Olivia's collarbone "I don't think I've ever had a better orgasm."_

" _Well, I'm glad it was worth it because I'm sure I'll be getting a noise complaint from the neighbor later," Olivia said._

" _Oh, it was worth it..." Alex said, sliding her hand between Olivia's legs and letting her fingers graze the detective's folds. Her lips made their way back up to Olivia's mouth before she entered her with a hard thrust - eliciting a sharp breath in from Olivia._

" _Ah..." Olivia said, breathing getting heavier as Alex thrust in and out her...hitting just the right spots. Olivia tilted her head back, her left hand grasping at Alex's back as the attorney hovered over her, blue eyes piercing, watching Liv's reaction each time she slid in and out._

 _Olivia's nails began to dig into Alex's soft skin and the blonde knew it was time to give her girlfriend what she wanted._

" _Oh, Alex...God..." Olivia whimpered. Alex grinned as she slid her fingers up to Liv's clit, starting gentle and slow and moving faster as the brunette's breathing pace increased. "Please...don't...stop..."_

 _Alex didn't stop. She took Olivia until she heard the screams. "Alex..Alex...Allllllexxxxxx! Fuck!" Instantly, Olivia's legs closed in around Alex letting the blonde know her job was done ... for now._

 _Alex rolled off and snuggled up next to Olivia's side, pushing her sweat-drenched hair from her face._

" _Liv, I missed you so much while I was gone," Alex said. "I'm just...well, I'm glad to be here right now with you. You make me happy."_

 _Olivia smiled. "Well, I'm pretty sure you're the only person who's put a smile on my face since Elliot left. And, you make me incredibly happy, too," she said. "I feel like..." she hesitated, she didn't want to stay too much too soon "Well, I'm happy you're back in my life."_

 _Both women were grinning from ear to ear, both in love, but not really to say that again yet._

" _Shit!" Alex said, grabbing her watch and looking at the time. "I don't have clean clothes here because I wasn't planning to stay last night...but you turned out to be too irresistible for me to leave. I have a meeting with Cutter to talk about...well, just to figure some stuff out future-wise. I need to run," she leaned over and kissed Olivia. "I'm sorry...but I hope to see you later. Dinner at my place? We should talk about a few things."_

" _Uh oh," Olivia teased. "Talk?"_

" _No, nothing like that," Alex said. "But, we know I can't stay in SVU forever...especially if we're gonna keep doing ... this."_

" _Then I am looking forward to dinner," Olivia said. She didn't know what Alex wanted to talk about, probably her meeting with Cutter and figuring out her transfer to another unit. They really shouldn't be dating with Alex as the ADA. (Not that it ever stopped them before, but they were a bit older and more conscious of the implications now.) And it certainly made for some intense arguments, especially after the former football player caught with an underage girl._

 _Either way, Olivia wasn't worried about it. Tonight she was going to make clear to Alex that she was serious about their relationship...that she wanted it to work...and that she loved Alex._

 _#_

 _Alex ran out of Olivia's apartment that morning in a hurry - forgetting her cellphone in the process. Olivia realized it was gone well after Alex was gone. When she got ready to leave, she threw it in her purse, thinking she would stop by Alex's office on the way to the precinct. She knew Alex would be lost without it. Before Olivia left, she dialed Alex's office number, leaving a voicemail to let her know she'd drop it off._

 _Olivia was a couple blocks from Alex's office when her phone rang._

" _Benson." It was Amaro. A woman had been raped and Cragen wanted her to go to the hospital. "Ok, I'll head right over," she said. She'd have to wait to return Alex's phone, so she called Alex's office again to let her know._

" _Cabot."_

" _Hey Alex, I was almost up there and have to turn around to head to the hospital with a vic," Olivia said. "I can see if a uni can run it up there if..."_

" _No, it's fine," Alex said. "I'm about to head to court anyway and won't need it. I'll stop by the precinct later."_

" _Ok, have a good day and good luck in court," Olivia said, smiling again thinking about their morning._

" _You, too, Liv," Alex said. "And thanks for grabbing it."_

 _#_

 _After lunch, Olivia made her way back to SVU for the first time all day. She sat at her desk and typed up some notes on the new case they caught. Every few minutes Alex's phone would buzz inside Olivia's desk, where she'd moved it in case Alex came by and she wasn't there._

" _What keeps buzzing?" Nick said._

" _Alex's phone," Olivia said, without thinking much about it._

" _Cabot?" Nick looked at her funny and smirked. "Why do you have Cabot's phone?" He had his suspicions, but Liv hadn't said anything and he felt like he was too knew to pry._

 _Olivia suddenly realized her mistake. "Oh...we had dinner last night and she forgot it at my apartment. I just brought it with me this morning."_

" _Dinner at your place?" Nick said._

" _I didn't feel like going out," Olivia said. "Anyway, if it's a problem for you, I'll turn to vibrate off." She wasn't crazy about Nick's line of questioning._

 _Nick put his hands up. "No, it's not a problem for me. Just thought you'd bought a burner phone or something." He laughed, indicating he was letting it go. He got up to get a cup of coffee and Olivia figured it would be best if she just turned Alex's phone off, or at least put it on silent._

 _Liv opened the desk and pulled the phone out. There were so many notifications, but Olivia wasn't interested in looking at anything. As she searched around to figure out how to turn vibrate off the phone a new text message notification popped up on Alex's phone._

 _Edward James: Sending you an email, hoping we can work something out quickly._

 _Olivia didn't think much about it, nor did she open it. She found the settings and turned the vibrate and sounds off. As she was putting it back in the drawer, an email from the same man who sent the text showed up._

 _From: Edward James, ICC  
Subject: Congo return_

 _Olivia froze._

 _Was Alex returning to the Congo? Is that what her meeting with Cutter with about? Is that what she wanted to talk to Olivia about tonight?_

 _Her breathing got heavy and fast, all her fears of Alex leaving her - again - running through her head. She wasn't proud of what she was about to do, but she couldn't bare Alex leaving again without telling her._

 _She clicked on the message and opened it._

 _Alexandra,_

 _I enjoyed our chat this week. It was good catching up and I hope we get to do more of that real soon. I can use you as soon as January 1 (or sooner!). I attached paperwork in case you want to get a head start. I'll still call this afternoon to discuss detail. See you soon!_

 _Edward_

 _Olivia stared at the message, reading it over and over. The longer she looked at it, the angrier she became. Finally, she marked it as 'unread' and threw the phone back in her drawer, slamming it in the process as Nick made his way back to the desk._

" _I see the buzzing phone finally got the best of you," he joked._

 _Olivia glared at him. "If Cabot stops by, her phone is in the drawer."_

" _Where are you going?" he said as she got up and grabbed her jacket._

" _I'm going to check in on our victim," she said. "And no, I don't want company."_

 _#_

 _An hour late, Alex showed up at the squad room. "Benson around?"_

" _Nope. Went to talk to our victim," Nick said._

" _Again?" Alex said._

 _Nick shrugged. "If you're here for your phone, it's in Benson's top drawer."_

 _Alex looked at him, wondering why Olivia would have mentioned having her phone. It made her a little nervous._

" _Oh, ok," she said. "Thanks." She walked over, reached into the drawer and took it. "I uh, left it at the restaurant last night...and well, Benson was just busy this morning."_

" _Uh huh," Nick said, noting the slight difference in their stories. "I'll tell her you stopped by."_

" _Thanks," Alex said. "You need any warrants for your new rape case?"_

" _You'd have to ask Benson," he said. "She was back in her old mood when she left here earlier."_

 _Alex nodded, knowing he meant the mood Liv was in post-Elliot that lasted up until the last several weeks. Since she and Olivia got back together, she noticed Liv's mood had improved._

 _Alex left the squad room and sent Olivia a text message on her way down the elevator._

 _Alex: Liv, picked up my phone. Thanks for bringing it. Still on for dinner at my place?_

 _Alex saw dots and then they disappeared. Then they came back before disappearing again._

 _Finally, she saw a new notification._

 _Olivia: Alex, I can't make it tonight._

 _Alex: Ok, then...tomorrow night? Is everything ok? Amaro seemed to think something was wrong._

 _Olivia: A woman getting raped isn't enough?_

 _Alex: Uh, ok. So, tomorrow night?_

 _Olivia: I'll let you know._

 _Alex sighed and clenched her jaw. Olivia had been moody since Elliot. Alex thought she'd turned a corner, but knew there were still hard days. Perhaps Liv was just having one of those._

 _Before Olivia decided to go home, she stopped by Alex's office, figuring she just needed to ask her what was going on with the Congo, and telling her about the email she shouldn't have read._

" _Detective Benson, good to see you," Alex's assistant Brooke said when she saw Olivia._

" _You, too. Is Ms. Cabot in her office?" Olivia asked._

" _She is," Brooke said. "You can head on back. No need for me to call." Brooke didn't know about the women's relationship, but she worked for Alex before she left for Congo and was happy to work for her when she came back. She knew Detective Benson never needed an appointment to see Alex._

 _Olivia smiled and headed down the short hall to Alex's office. The door was cracked, but Olivia heard Alex's voice before she knocked. It sounded like she was on the phone._

" _I know, Edward," Alex said. "Yes, it was a great experience and you know I'm always happy to help out...laughter...Yes, of course. I look forward to seeing you soon, too."_

 _Olivia stopped, frozen again. 'That's it,' she thought. 'Alex is going to the Congo and again, didn't talk to her about it first.'_

 _Instead of knocking, she turned and left._

" _She not there?" Brooke asked on Olivia's way out._

" _Oh, I think she was on the phone," Olivia said. "I'll catch her tomorrow. It's not important."_

" _If you say so," Brooke said. "I'll let her know you stopped by."_

 _Olivia was gone before she even heard Brooke's reply. She fled out of there as quickly as she could, doing her best not to break out in tears - at least until she was out on the street._

 _After an hour at the bar, and a few missed call and ignored texts from Alex, Olivia finally texted her girlfriend back._

 _Olivia: Alex, we need to talk._

 _Alex: Ok? I'm still at work. Brooke said you stopped by. Is everything ok?_

 _No response._

 _Alex: How about I stop by your place after I leave work? I packed some extra clothes this morning, so next time I stay, I won't have to rush off._

 _Olivia: K. I'll be home in about 30 minutes._

 _Olivia paid her tab and decided to walk home, considering how to approach her conversation with Alex._

 _She wanted to ask her outright, but then again, if Alex didn't respect her enough to tell her about returning to the Congo, why should Olivia bring it up? If Alex didn't trust her, why did Olivia even need her in her life? She was tired of being left...and she was tired of the excuses. Olivia owed no one but herself anything._

* * *

As always, your reviews are appreciated. Love it, hate it, have ideas? Let me know with a comment or on twitter -rileyclocks!


	9. Chapter 9

_A/N: Um, thanks for reading. I don't think I have anything clever to add here. Oh wait, grab some tissues._

* * *

 **CHAPTER 9**

 _Present day - a couple of days later._

"Hey...so the trial will start tomorrow on Jackson, but now that we have our witness, I have a feeling he'll plea out by the morning," Alex said, standing in the doorframe of Olivia's office.

Olivia had managed to avoid the 'Africa' talk for the past couple of days, working late, being tired, any excuse she could think of, despite Alex still staying with them.

"How's Holly and Rylane?" Olivia asked.

Alex shrugged and walked in, shutting the door behind her. She plopped down on Olivia's office couch. "As well as could be expected. But she's ready to testify if she needs to. Rylane is OK, too. Just confused about everything going on."

"Good," Olivia said. She paused. "I'm sure it'll take them both a while to process everything."

Alex nodded in agreement. There was an uneasy silence between the two of them. Alex knew, or at least suspected, Olivia had been avoiding the 'Africa' conversation.

"So, I guess I'll go home tonight," Alex said. "I understand the Feds have started making some contact."

Olivia nodded. She didn't want Alex to leave yet, but she knew there was no reason for her to stay anymore. "Get any blowback from the DA's office?"

Alex shook her head. "Not verbally anyway," she said. "You?"

"No," Olivia said. "I told Dodds ahead of time, and of course I got the, 'I hope you know what you're doing' lecture. But overall, he was fine."

More silence.

"Thank you."

"I'm glad your safe."

They both spoke at the same time. Olivia motioned for Alex to go first.

"I just wanted to say thank you for putting up with me the past few days," Alex said. "I was nice of you to let me invade your time with Noah. And of course, he was a treat."

Olivia smiled. "Well, he certainly liked you," she said, making Alex blush. "Anyway, I'm glad that you're safe. You never know..."

Alex nodded. "Liv?"

Olivia looked up; she knew what was coming.

"Would it be possible for us to have dinner? I mean, specifically to talk. I feel like maybe we should. Things seem...off. I know we've only barely seen each other since...well, in the past several years, but...I don't know; I don't like it. I'd like for us to be able to be alone together."

Olivia sighed. She didn't have a good reason for avoiding it. It was Alex's decision after all, by and large. But she did feel guilty for never talking to Alex about it. For avoiding her calls and texts. She could tell this was important to Alex, though, and always had a hard time telling her no.

"Ok," Olivia said. "How about tomorrow night? I can ask Lucy to stay late."

"I can do that," Alex said. "My place?"

"Uh..."

"I can make that chicken stir-fry you like," Alex said.

Olivia smiled. "There you are, bribing me with food again."

Alex shrugged and smirked. "If it works...besides, I owe you. You put me up for the weekend."

#

 _The next evening - Alex's place._

"This stir-fry is better than I remember, Alex," Olivia said, stuffing a big last bite in her mouth in between what so far was a casual conversation.

"I made a few ingredient changes," Alex said. "While I was in Africa last time I couldn't find everything I normally used, so picked up some different spices there. I'm not telling you my secret but let's just say, since then I've had to special order that stuff from overseas to make sure I have it because it makes it so much better."

"Ah..." Olivia paused. Eventually, they had to talk about it. "Africa."

"Africa," Alex echoed.

Both of them sat there, unsure how to start and who should start.

"Should I get more wine for us?" Alex finally said.

"Yeah, that'll be good," Olivia said. "We should, uh, moving to the living room."

After Alex refilled their glasses and they each had a long sip or two, it was finally time. They sat at opposite ends of the couch, both trying to get as comfortable as they could, but knowing they likely wouldn't be comfortable until the talk was over.

Olivia started.

"Listen, last time we were together was during a hard period for me," Olivia said. "I probably wasn't easy to deal with and I know I should have handled things differently. I'm sorry for that."

"I know, Liv," Alex said. "I wanted to be there for you and I know that we still probably had our own issues to work out from me abruptly leaving for Africa after Nardalee's case."

"You're probably right," Olivia said. "I guess the hardest part was just you leaving me when things were starting to go so well again. You know, like I felt like we could put the past behind us and move on."

"I know and I should have trusted you," Alex said. "It just all...well, it all happened so fast. I...I should have talked to you. I'm sorry."

Olivia nodded. She wasn't sure why it happened quickly the second time, but how would she know, it's not like Alex talked to her.

"I guess I just don't understand what happened last time," Alex continued. "I mean, things were good, Liv. And yes, you were hard to deal with, but...I guess I just expected more from you."

"I'm sorry...you what?" Olivia said.

"I expected more than for you to abruptly break up with me with no explanation," Alex said. "I know I've made some mistakes, but..."

"Yeah, you have," Olivia snapped, bitterness dripping. "And we did have something good last time, didn't we?"

"Why are you so angry with me?" Alex said. "I'm sorry I went to Africa. How many times do I have to apologize? You told me you supported my decision, that you agreed, that I should go. I know I hurt you, but..."

"Yeah, I did support you...the first time you went, the first time you didn't tell me," Olivia said.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Alex said.

"I'm talking about how you decided to leave me again...to leave me when I needed you the most," Olivia said. "For God's sake, Stabler was gone and I was lost and you were the only person who helped pull me out of that."

"What do you mean I left you?" Alex said. She ran her hand through, not believing what she was hearing. "You. Left. Me...You broke up with ME."

"Because you were leaving me for Africa again!" Olivia said.

"What?" Alex said. "No, I wasn't."

"Oh, so I just dreamt that you went to Africa after that?" Olivia said.

"I went to Africa because you broke up with me! Because YOU ended things!" Alex said.

"Bullshit," Olivia said. "I know about your conversation with Edward or whatever his name is from the Congo."

"You what?" Alex said.

Olivia sighed. She had to fess up to her misdeed, but she was so angry at Alex's denials at this point, she didn't even care - it wasn't as bad as Alex lying about leaving.

"Your email. You got an email from him. And then I overheard your phone call with him," Olivia said.

"How did you see an email? What?" Alex said.

"Your phone," Olivia said. "Remember that morning...the morning before we broke up?"

Oh, Alex remembered. It was a wonderful morning. Things were perfect...right up until that afternoon.

"I left my phone at your apartment," Alex remembered. Olivia nodded. "You...you looked through my phone?"

"No," Olivia said. "You should know me better than that."

"Then how did you see my email?" Alex said. "And clearly, we don't know each other as well as we thought we did."

"You phone was buzzing all day long. It was so annoying," Olivia said. "I took it from my drawer to turn it off and the message popped up. Actually, a text first, then an email. The subject line 'Congo Return' was a bit of a giveaway, wouldn't you say?"

"So you read it?" Alex said.

"I shouldn't have, I know that, but you'd already left me...oh, I don't know, half a dozen times. Why wouldn't I think you were leaving me again?" Olivia said. "And without telling me."

Alex put her face in her hand, rubbing the bridge of her nose. She stayed silent, unsure how to respond, and angry Olivia violated her trust.

"Are you denying it?" Olivia said.

Alex stayed silent for a moment.

"You never change, do you?" Alex said.

"I didn't hear you deny it, so apparently, neither do you," Olivia said.

"Screw you," Alex said. "It sounds like you already made up your mind, so even if I tell you differently, you won't believe me. And perhaps even worse, you violated my trust. I cannot believe you would look through my phone."

"I told you, I wasn't looking," Olivia said. "What was I supposed to do, supposed to think?"

"I don't know; you could have come and talked to me," Alex said.

"I tried," Olivia said. "I came to your office later that afternoon and you were on the phone with Edward. You told him you were always glad to help and how you couldn't wait to see him."

"Olivia...listen to me closely, hear me...I'm sorry that people have hurt you, that people left you," Alex said. "I'm sorry about your father. I'm sorry your mother blamed you and that she drank herself to an early death. I'm sorry I left you. God, every day I wish I would not have gone into Witness Protection. And I regret with every bone I have leaving you after Connors trial. It was a terrible thing to do without telling you, even though I had no choice. And I'm sorry I left you for the Congo. But for the first time in years...I had a say in my life...in getting my life back. In finding Alex Cabot again. And as hard as it was to leave you - and you're right, I should have told you - but as hard as it was to leave, my comfort was in knowing YOU of all people would understand why I was doing it. Why the work needed to be done, and why I needed to make that change."

Olivia sat quietly, waiting for the blonde to finish. She knew Alex wasn't done.

"And I'm so sorry Elliot left," Alex continued. "But we both know, he didn't have a choice. They would have gone after him and he had to protect his family. For the first time in his career, he had to put his family first. I am sorry...for everything. You've had a shitty life, I admit it. For a person as true and as good as you, you've had more than your fair share. It's like the big man at the top has decided Olivia Benson can never be happy."

Alex continued.

"But I will only take my share of the responsibility for that. I will not bear the brunt of it. And I will not take blame for something I didn't do," Alex said. "I wasn't going back to the Congo before you broke up with me. Sure, Edward thought he'd change my mind, that he would talk me out of what I'd already told him - that I was in a relationship and wanted to give it real try. That's just who he is. And I did agree to be open to going near the beginning of the year for a week or two to fill in on a trial. But that's it. When I said I looked forward to seeing him, it was because he was going to be in town the following week...So, No. I was not going to the Congo without telling you. In fact, I planned to tell you that evening about my plan to go in January and hoped to convince you to go with me.

"I was staying here - for you, Olivia. I was choosing you...until you broke up with me. Then...I saw no reason to stay when my entire reason for staying just walked out on me."

Alex was crying. So was Olivia, who was mostly stunned at what Alex was saying.

"Alex, I...I didn't know," Olivia said.

"You would have if you'd have just asked me," Alex said. "But you know, it all makes sense now. Haden. Cassidy. I guess they were safe for you."

"Safe?"

"Safe because it was never going to work," Alex said. "Although, it really hurt to see you give more to your relationship with Cassidy than you did with me. But yeah, you always expected David and Brian to leave. You knew Brian didn't want kids...so there was never any illusion you'd have forever."

Olivia tried to defend herself...and her relationships, but Alex wasn't wrong.

"That's why you broke up with, Tucker, huh?" Alex said. "You were afraid he was going to leave you? Afraid it would all go away? So you ran."

"We're not talking about my past relationships," Olivia said. "We're talking about us."

"Then tell me I'm wrong about any of it," Alex said.

Olivia sat quietly for a moment before she spoke.

"You're not wrong," Olivia said. "I do expect everything to go away. I mean, even Noah. I think that having a son who loves me, that is mine, is just going to go away someday. That someone like Sheila will show up and take him or CPS or whatever...but, I have gotten better. I've had to get better...for Noah. Noah can't live like that. IT's one of the reasons I allowed Sheila into our lives...of course..."

"Don't say it, Liv," Alex said. "You did what you thought was in Noah's best interest. But don't use it as an excuse to assume everyone is out to leave you or take things from you. You can trust people, Liv."

"Can I trust you?" Olivia said.

"Yes...but..." Alex paused "I'm so angry with you right now...and I'm hurt. I just don't know if..."

Olivia nodded, holding back tears. She reached her hand out and put it on Alex's, who was looking away, trying not to let Liv see her cry.

"Alex..." Olivia said quietly.

Alex finally turned her head, tear-filled blue eyes.

"I'm sorry," Olivia whispered. Alex's eyes never left Olivia's. "I should go."

Alex nodded OK, not having the fight in her to continue. There was no place to go but down, and right now, she needed to be alone as much as Olivia did.

* * *

 _As always, your reviews are appreciated. Love it, hate it, have ideas? Let me know with a comment or on twitter -rileyclocks!_


	10. Chapter 10

_A/N: I first want to apologize for the unexpected delay on this. I work in media and if anyone follows me on Twitter, you may know my town had a cop murdered the day after my last update. I haven't slept and 24/7 I've pretty much been covering this story or tracking people down or interviewing people or at funerals or events or just not sleeping because I'm angry and frustrated. And when I've had time, I slept (or tried), and just haven't been in the right mindset._

 _So, while I am sorry for the delay, I'm sure you can understand real life (and death in this case) comes first. But, here we go...I'll do the best I can to keep this going for a bit longer._

* * *

 **CHAPTER 10**

 _Two weeks._ It had been two weeks since Olivia walked out of Alex's apartment after learning how badly she had screwed things up last time. Aside from the Jackson trial, Olivia hadn't even seen Alex and the couple of times she called, Alex didn't answer or call back.

"You heading out?" Fin said as Olivia walked by his desk with her purse.

"Yeah," she said. "Going to try to start an early weekend with Noah while I can. You got things under control here?"

"We got it," Fin said. He looked around and saw no one was nearby. "Cabot happy about the Jackson conviction? Heard some heads are rolling downtown."

Olivia shrugged. "Yeah, I heard the same thing," she said. "And...I assume Alex is happy. Haven't really heard from her since the trial. You know Alex." Olivia smiled and tried to laugh it off.

Fin didn't bite.

"Yeah...about that," Fin said, again looking around. "I was hoping maybe we'd see a little more of her around here."

Olivia paused and opened her mouth to speak, but wasn't sure what to say or what Fin was getting at.

Fin spoke up again. "Listen, Liv...you know I'm not about getting in your personal business, but...you and Alex...," he paused.

"Me and Alex, what?" Olivia said, curious.

"Look, I know Cabot has left us a lot...left you a lot," his eyes focused narrowly on her, letting her know he knew. "Just, we're not getting younger. Don't let your pride stand in the way of something good."

"My pride?" Olivia said, raising her eyebrows.

"You know damn well what I mean," Fin said. "Hey, I got it too. All cops do. I'm just saying, you deserve happiness, Liv. More than anyone."

Olivia nodded, and their eyes seemed to speak without any more words. She smiled and continued on her way out of the squad room for home.

#

After an afternoon of spending time with Noah, Olivia and he went out for pizza and were talking about their weekend plans - Olivia hoping and praying nothing at work interrupted it.

"Can we go to the beach?" Noah asked.

"I think it's still a little too chilly for that," Olivia said. "How about the park?"

"We always go to the park," Noah said, stuffing another bite of pizza in his mouth.

"Ok, how about the zoo in the park?" Olivia said.

"Can we go to the big zoo?" Noah said. "They have the good animals there."

Olivia chuckled. "Yes, we can go to the big zoo," she said.

"Can I get ice cream, too?!" an excited Noah said.

Olivia laughed. "We'll see. As long as it's not too cold and you behave, yes, you can have ice cream."

"Bribing your kid with ice cream? Is that good parenting?" a familiar voice from behind Olivia said. She turned around and saw Alex, smiling and laughing.

"Alex," Olivia said, surprised to see the blonde there. "Noah, you remember Alex, right?"

"Of course, Mommy," Noah said, nonchalantly. Olivia rolled her eyes and smiled at Alex.

"How have you been?" Olivia asked. "Join us if you like."

Alex nodded and took a seat. "I ordered to for pick-up but it probably won't be done for a few minutes," she said. "I've been ... busy. Lot happening in the office and city hall."

"I heard," Olivia said. "Anything coming back on you?"

Alex shook her head. "Not yet."

"We're going to the zoo tomorrow," Noah said, suddenly. "Mommy, can Alex come with us to the zoo?"

"Uh...well, if she wants to come, yes," Olivia said. "We're going to the Bronx Zoo."

Alex, unsure how to respond at first paused and Olivia spoke up again.

"I mean, I'm sure Alex probably already has plans this weekend or work. She works a lot."

"Mommy works a lot too," Noah said.

"Yeah, I don't want to impose on your day out with your mom," Alex said. She was unsure if Olivia wanted her to come or not and she hadn't exactly made any effort to return her calls since their last conversation. "But I'm sure you'll have fun. I hear they have Zebras and Elephants there."

"I know!" Noah said. "They elephants are sooooo big!"

Alex smiled and Olivia watched the interaction between the two. She also remembered her conversation with Fin earlier.

"Actually, Alex, if you don't have plans...I'd really like it if you joined us," Olivia said. "Maybe you can tell Noah about your experience in Africa."

The two women shared a look. Alex could see Olivia was trying, being sincere.

"Well...are you sure you don't mind me joining you, Noah?" Alex said.

Noah shook his head. "You should come and Mommy said we could have ice cream."

Alex laughed. "Well then, I guess it's a plan."

Alex heard her name called to say her pizza was done and looked up.

"I'll text you later with the time," Olivia said. "If you want, I can swing by and pick you up."

"That sounds good," Alex said, getting up to leave. When she got next to Olivia, she paused. "Liv, I should have called you back. I'm sorry."

Olivia shook her head. "It's ok. I think we both needed some time. We can talk about it tomorrow...if you want."

Alex nodded, then spoke up. "Noah, I look forward to seeing you tomorrow, and to our ice cream."

Noah, mouth full, waved and nodded, giving the two women more reason to laugh.

#

Saturday late afternoon, after the entire day at the zoo, Olivia, Alex and Noah arrived back at Olivia's apartment. Olivia was dragging Noah along, who was had fallen asleep in the car and didn't want to wake up.

"Noah, go lay down in your bed for a nap," Olivia said. "I'll wake you up before dinner."

Noah didn't say anything, he just dragged his feet to his bedroom and went directly to sleep.

Olivia shook her head. "I'm just glad he's too big for me to carry now, but waking him up is a bear sometimes."

"Well, I appreciate you inviting me for dinner," Alex said. "Though, you didn't have to do this. We can still order in."

"Are you kidding? Noah had a great day with you telling him stories," Olivia said. "I enjoyed spending time with you today, too."

Alex smiled. "Me, too, Liv."

"Hey, why don't you pour a glass of wine and relax for a bit on the couch while I get dinner together. It shouldn't' take too long," Olivia said.

Alex was tired. She wasn't used to spending the day with 6-year-olds. Noah had worn her out. She wasn't sure where Olivia got the energy. She didn't argue, just poured wine and made her way to the couch while Olivia cooked.

An hour later, dinner was done. Both Alex and Noah were still zonked out. Olivia woke Noah and figured she'd get dinner on the table before waking Alex.

"Alex," Noah's voice same as the blonde felt a small hand on her shoulder. "Alex."

Alex opened her eyes to Noah standing in front of her. "Hi, Noah."

"Mom says dinner is ready," he said.

Alex looked up and saw Olivia smiling over at the dinner table. The blonde got up, picked up her glass of wine that she barely touched before falling asleep and joined Olivia and Noah for dinner.

#

"That was so good," Alex said, wiping her mouth and then holding her stomach. "I'm so full."

They had finished dinner earlier and Olivia put Noah to bed since he was still tired, but they both decided to help themselves to seconds.

"Well, you did utilize quite a bit of energy today," Olivia said.

"I don't know how you do it," Alex said. "I guess all those years of chasing perps finally paid off."

Olivia laughed. "Oh trust me, they got nothing on a toddler," she said. "Let's leave these dishes for now and go to the living room. I think we need to talk about a few things."

Alex was a little surprised at Olivia being so forthcoming about them talking. It was a bit of a change, but a good one. She got up and joined Olivia on the couch.

"Liv, I shouldn't have ignored you for those two weeks," Alex said before Olivia could say anything. "I don't really have a good excuse other than I was just...I don't know, hurting, I guess."

"Don't apologize," Olivia said. "I screwed up big time, mostly because of me not communicating with you."

"Well, I can be blamed for that, too," Alex said.

"Ok, so we haven't always communicated what we need and want well," Olivia said. "But I like to think I've grown a lot since then. And, I want you to know, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for breaking up with you. I'm sorry for not trusting you. But mostly, I want you to know that ... I care about you. I mean, I've loved you, Alex. And every time you walk into my life...well, things just seem right."

Alex smiled. "We've hurt each other a lot," she said. "I deserve a lot of that blame. But you're right; maybe we should stop the blame game. I think, hope, we can put it all behind us now that it's out and be friends."

Olivia silently cringed at the word friends. She and Alex hadn't been around each other a lot in recent years, but she didn't need to be to know exactly what she wanted - it was exactly what she wanted all those years ago.

"Actually..." Olivia took a deep breath, and thought back to Fin's words again, "I don't want to be friends."

"You..what?" Alex said. "I thought..."

Olivia reached out and took Alex's hand. "I don't want to you be your friend. God, Alex, I am terrified of everything you make me feel. But that's the problem...you make me feel things. I want us...I want to give us a real chance."

Alex remained quiet and stunned, actually.

"That is, if you'll have me," Olivia continued. "I guess I just feel like you should know. You know, say all the things that we rarely said before."

Alex stayed quiet and Olivia took it as a bad sign and began to ramble.

"I'm sorry...I made things weird. It's too soon, I shouldn't have..."

Alex leaned forward and kissed Olivia, stopping her mid-sentence.

"Yes," Alex said when they pulled away. A short, simple answer.

"Yes?"

"Yes," Alex said. "I want to try. I feel the same way. I want you."

"Just like that?" Olivia said. "You don't want me to grovel or anything?"

"Nope. It's not a good look on you, I've seen it," Alex teased. "Besides, as I said, I'd have my fair share. Let's just start from square one. Clean slate."

"A new beginning?" Olivia said.

"Yeah, I'd like that," Alex replied.

* * *

 _A/N 2: Don't be sad, but I'm going to end this here...because I plan to spin it off. But I wanted some finality to this story before doing that so I can set it up the way I want. So we can separate this from that case, and get to them navigating dating at their age and with a young child. I'll start it in the coming days, so stay tuned._

 _As always, your reviews are appreciated. Love it, hate it, have ideas? Let me know with a comment or on twitter -rileyclocks!_


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